“The biggest problem with communication is the assumption that it has taken place.” I’ve seen couples really struggle when it comes to communication. Most couples don’t realize that the ability to effectively communicate with their spouse or partner is a skill that must be developed over time. Listening skills and self-expression skills are both critical […]
“The biggest problem with communication is the assumption that it has taken place.”
I’ve seen couples really struggle when it comes to communication. Most couples don’t realize that the ability to effectively communicate with their spouse or partner is a skill that must be developed over time. Listening skills and self-expression skills are both critical when it comes to effective communication. If you are unable to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an appropriate manner or if you are unable to empathize and connect with your hurting or frustrated spouse, your relationship may be headed for destruction.
Couples often fall into poor and ineffective communication patterns with their partners, particularly when they are attempting to discuss sensitive issues. Here are some examples of unhealthy and destructive communication patterns: Nagging, Criticizing, Blaming, Complaining, Threatening, Punishing, Bribing.
When we criticize our mate, we are implying that we are superior to them in some way. The root of criticism is control. It is important to know that we cannot change our mate by making them feel insecure or bad about themselves. Criticism does not make your partner want to change–it only makes him/her want to get away from the person doing the criticizing (you).
When we place blame on our partners in a self-righteous manner,we are not engaging in loving communication. Of course, there will be times when are our partners are genuinely to blame for some unpleasant outcome. However, it is crucial that we express our displeasure in a way that will promote healing and resolution to the matter. It is important that each party take responsibility for the action, attitude, and/or behavior that contributed to the unwanted outcome.
When we complain about something without taking action to change it, we are saying that we refuse to take responsibility for it. Complaining puts a distance between us and those we love. It is unfair for one person to be expected to “fix” all of the problems in the relationship all the time. If you present a complaint to your partner, also be prepared to offer a solution. Remember…no one likes a complainer.
We cannot control, coerce, or bully someone into doing what we want them to do. Your partner must choose to change on their own. Asking him/her to change 1,000 times a day in 1,000 different ways will only cause frustration and aggravation for all parties involved. Instead, try having an open and loving discussion with your mate about how compromise or negotiation can be helpful to the relationship.
It is unwise to try to “scare” our partners into complying with our demands. Rest assured that this behavior will drive him/her away very quickly. When we threaten our mate (directly or indirectly), we become a source of fear and control instead of a source of love and support. Remember…no one likes a tyrant.
When you yell at your partner each time he/she does something you don’t like, you are wreaking havoc on your relationship. When you punish your spouse (verbally, mentally, or physically), you become a source of fear, control, and general nastiness. Punishing your mate will not make him/her become the person you want them to be. Again, you are better off having an open, honest discussion about how change will be helpful to the relationship.
Oftentimes, we “reward” our loved ones when they do things we want them to do. This sounds much nicer than threatening or punishing them, but it is still a form of control. You are still attempting to control their behavior. It is usually best to allow your partner to come to their own conclusions about what behaviors they would like to change. This type of change is much more likely to be a permanent, long-lasting change.
If you and your partner are having trouble communicating in a healthy manner, this may be an ideal time for you to seek couples counseling.
A. Claybon
If breaking up is hard to do, then recovering from a break-up must be even harder. If you find yourself struggling with how to move on or snap back after a painful break-up or divorce, here are 10 things you can do to expedite your recovery: Go to a park. There’s something therapeutic about being in […]
If breaking up is hard to do, then recovering from a break-up must be even harder. If you find yourself struggling with how to move on or snap back after a painful break-up or divorce, here are 10 things you can do to expedite your recovery:
Divorce and break-ups can trigger a myriad of painful emotions. These tips can help you nurture and support yourself through the healing process.
Cheers to Health and Wholeness,
Alicia
For those suffering from the loss of a loved one, a painful breakup or divorce, or financial hardship, the anxieties of life can bring on feelings of despair, depression, and hopelessness. Influential psychiatrist Dr. William A. Glasser held a unique view of what it means to be mentally healthy and I have come to love […]
For those suffering from the loss of a loved one, a painful breakup or divorce, or financial hardship, the anxieties of life can bring on feelings of despair, depression, and hopelessness.
Influential psychiatrist Dr. William A. Glasser held a unique view of what it means to be mentally healthy and I have come to love and appreciate the simplicity of his definition of mental health. Here are his thoughts:
“You are mentally healthy if you enjoy being with most of the people you know, especially with the important people in your life such as family, sexual partners, and friends. Generally, you are happy and are more than willing to help an unhappy family member, friend, or colleague feel better. You lead a mostly tension-free life, laugh a lot, and rarely suffer from the aches and pains that so many people accept as an unavoidable part of living. You enjoy life and have no trouble accepting other people who think and act differently from you. It rarely occurs to you to criticize or try to change anyone. If you have differences with someone else you will try to work out the problem; if you can’t you will walk away before you argue and increase the difficulty. You are creative in what you attempt and may enjoy more of your potential than you ever thought possible. Finally, even in very difficult situations, when you are unhappy (no one can be happy all the time) you’ll know why you are unhappy and attempt to do something about it. You may even be physically handicapped as was Christopher Reeve, and still fit the criteria above.”
Here are some signs that indicate you may be experiencing emotional or mental distress:
If you or someone you know is experiencing any of these signs/symptoms of distress, please get support from someone you trust. In many cases, counseling can help you gain insight into the underlying causes of distress. Whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence. Click here for additional mental health resources.
Cheers to Your Complete Health and Wholeness,
Alicia
Whether you call it cheating, stepping out, adultery, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, deceit, or betrayal, few life experiences compare to the pain of infidelity. Back in the day, cheating was pretty straightforward: It involved actual face-to-face sexual contact. Now, in the age of social media, webcams, dating sites, and internet porn, extracurricular sexual behavior is easier than […]
Whether you call it cheating, stepping out, adultery, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, deceit, or betrayal, few life experiences compare to the pain of infidelity. Back in the day, cheating was pretty straightforward: It involved actual face-to-face sexual contact. Now, in the age of social media, webcams, dating sites, and internet porn, extracurricular sexual behavior is easier than ever.
To complicate things, many couples don’t agree on what constitutes cheating. Some men argue that porn sites and social media do not count as infidelity. Some women hold that an emotional affair cannot be considered cheating at all.
The problem with these views is that infidelity cannot be defined by any specific act, but rather by the keeping of secrets in a committed relationship. Simply put, anything you wouldn’t do or say if your spouse were present is a violation of the marital contract. Rather than debate the definition of cheating, couples are better off spending time being intentional about meeting the physical and emotional needs of their partner.
Even still, a person may choose to get physical and/or emotional fulfillment outside of their spouse. After repeated disappointment and failed expectations, many couples turn to divorce for relief. Counseling can help ease the pain and devastation of divorce.
If you or someone you know needs help navigating through the aftermath of infidelity or divorce, please contact me to schedule an individual or couples therapy appointment today.
A.Claybon, LPC
The storms of marriage are inevitable, but they don’t have to sink the marital ship. Here’s 10 tips to weathering marital storms without throwing your spouse overboard! Allow for “temporary insanity” in your mate. No one is perfect all of the time. Recognize and accept that anger is a natural emotion. Emotions are neither bad […]
The storms of marriage are inevitable, but they don’t have to sink the marital ship. Here’s 10 tips to weathering marital storms without throwing your spouse overboard!
If you and your partner need help navigating the murky waters of marriage, call or email me for a free telephone consultation today!
I almost cringe now when I hear someone say they’re getting married…but not because marriage isn’t honorable and lovely and romantic and all those things. I cringe because I know it’s highly unlikely that the couple has prepared for the marriage as much as they have planned for the wedding. In my experience of sitting with […]
I almost cringe now when I hear someone say they’re getting married…but not because marriage isn’t honorable and lovely and romantic and all those things. I cringe because I know it’s highly unlikely that the couple has prepared for the marriage as much as they have planned for the wedding. In my experience of sitting with dozens of couples, I’ve come to believe that marriages usually don’t end because “the thrill is gone”. I believe that the biggest destroyer of marriage is failed expectations.
So before you say ‘I Do’, have a sit-down with your sweetie and make sure you’re on the same page in these KEY areas so that there’s less potential for problems in the future:
Conversation #1: Friends
You may want to ask your partner how he/she feels about having friends of the opposite sex (is it OK or is it a no-no), how much time should be spent going out with friends, and what types of outings/activities are acceptable.
Conversation #2: In-Laws
You and your partner should probably discuss how you both (truly) feel about your in-laws, the role they will play (or not play) in your marriage, and whether or not it’s acceptable to offer financial support or even a place to stay if the need arises.
Conversation #3: Religion
Hopefully, by this point in your relationship you have a clear understanding of your partner’s religious practices, how you plan to share your religion with your future children, and how you and your future mate define and plan to handle “unkept vows” (I know-not very romantic).
Conversation #4: Money
It’s probably a good idea to discuss your expectations as it relates to employment, gambling, borrowing, debt, spending, bookkeeping, joint vs individual bank accounts, savings, and retirement goals. Trust me-this is not a conversation you want to save for after the nuptials.
Conversation #5: Sex
You’d be surprised at how many couples fight over sex. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to: frequency of sex, time of day (a.m versus p.m.) foreplay (or lack thereof), birth control, frigidity, impotence, and infidelity. This is a great time to discuss how infidelity will be defined within the context of your marriage. The definition of what it means to be unfaithful can vary from person-to-person and couple-to-couple. It’s crucial that you get on the same page now.
Conversation #6: Communication
I’ve seen couples really struggle when it comes to communication. Here are some things to avoid when communicating with one another: Nagging, Criticizing, Blaming, Complaining, Threatening, Punishing, Bribing. If you and your partner are having trouble communicating in a healthy manner, this may be an ideal time for you to get premarital counseling.
Conversation #7: Children
It amazes me how many couples do not discuss how many children they plan to bring into the world. It’s important that the two of you agree on how many children you want to raise, how you will handle blended family issues (if applicable), how you plan to discipline your children, and whether or not you will adopt in the event that one or both of you become sterile or infertile.
Love and romance aren’t always enough to sustain a marriage. It’s critical that we know what to expect from our partners (and vice versa) when it comes to the 7 key areas mentioned above. Take time to have those tough conversations now. The success of your marriage may depend on it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you plan to prepare for marriage. Don’t hesitate to comment below!
Cheers to a Bullet-Proof Marriage,
Alicia
“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” ~Robert C. Dodds It’s fair to say that not all problems in marriage can be avoided, but there are many issues that can be anticipated and circumvented. In my experience, many couples divorce because of unrealistic expectations, lack of flexibility, an unwillingness […]
“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” ~Robert C. Dodds
It’s fair to say that not all problems in marriage can be avoided, but there are many issues that can be anticipated and circumvented. In my experience, many couples divorce because of unrealistic expectations, lack of flexibility, an unwillingness to forgive, and plain old stubbornness. There are bound to be challenges whenever two people from two different households, educational backgrounds, emotional backgrounds and communication styles join together in holy matrimony with the expectation of instantly becoming “one”. I believe that oneness is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight…or in a few weeks…or a few months. Oneness is intentional–not automatic. It takes lots of time, patience, effort, communication, love, flexibility, and forgiveness.
If you’re considering marriage, here are 4 things you absolutely MUST do before you walk down that aisle…
Must-Do #1: Check Your Expectations
We all enter marriage with our own individual sets of expectations and ideas about what marriage should look like. Many of us expect a Lifetime Movie romance with no arguments, constant happiness, amazing sex, family dinners cooked to perfection, perfect in-laws, a perfect house, a perfect car, perfect children, and plenty of money in the bank. If you expect happiness and bliss without hard work, sacrifice, compromise and communication, I urge you to check your expectations. Are you being realistic?
Must-Do #2: Learn to be Flexible
Even the Constitution was written in such a way that allowed for a changing world. If you lose your ability to change and adjust to the needs of your spouse and your growing relationship, then you will not survive marriage. Many couples destroy their entire relationship simply because they’re unwilling to address new needs that may come to light. Know that your partner will grow and change. What he/she needs today may not be what he/she needs 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Before you get married, learn to be open to change and correction. There will be many times in marriage when you may need to reassess and reevaluate what’s still working well and what needs to be adjusted. There’s no place for rigidity in marriage.
Must-Do #3: Be Willing to Forgive
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. While it’s natural to feel angry at someone that wrongs or disrespects us, there is a notable difference between healthy anger and bitterness. Given the opportunity, bitterness can spread through marriage like cancer–attacking healthy cells and organs at rapid speed. In marriage, forgiveness is the medicine and the cure. When you offer the forgiveness you wish to receive, it increases your chances of having a healthy marriage that is free from the disease of bitterness.
In order to survive marriage, you must have realistic expectations, be flexible to the needs of your partner, and be willing to forgive mistakes. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what it takes to create a lasting marriage. Feel free to comment below!
Cheers to a disease-free marriage,
Alicia
Although each family is unique, the presence or absence of specific characteristics can determine the health of a family unit: 1. Communication in healthy families is open and direct. Family members talk to each other rather than about each other. In addition, parents do not hold “family secrets” in a healthy family. 2. Healthy families deal with problems directly […]
Although each family is unique, the presence or absence of specific characteristics can determine the health of a family unit:
1. Communication in healthy families is open and direct. Family members talk to each other rather than about each other. In addition, parents do not hold “family secrets” in a healthy family.
2. Healthy families deal with problems directly and openly. The entire family is involved in the search for answers to problems that arise. What affects one affects the whole.
3. In healthy families, feelings are acknowledged rather than ignored. Pain is shared openly and without judgment. Joys are celebrated. When members fight, they are able to make amends afterwards.
4. In a healthy family, the emotional needs of family members can be met cross-generationally. For example, a four-year-old can comfort his discouraged father and vice versa.
5. In healthy families, physical contact is frequent, spontaneous, tender, and non self-conscious. It is not dictated by gender identity (i.e. men and boys hug just as often and freely as women and girls). Physical affection is not limited to arrivals and departures.
6. Individualization and autonomy are encouraged and celebrated in healthy families. There is respect for each member’s privacy and quiet time and there is a high tolerance for differences in opinion, tastes, values, and behavior.
7. Healthy families engage in family traditions, rituals, and legends, which promotes a strong sense of togetherness.
8. The healthy family has a good sense of humor and the capacity to be playful. Members enjoy living together and spending time with each other without having to be serious.
9. Healthy families are open to others. Teenagers can invite their friends over without stress. Neighbors welcome. Being with and reaching out to others is easy because their basic attitude toward others is one of trust, caring, and friendliness.
10. There is a sharing of household responsibilities in healthy families. Even young children share in age-appropriate chores and parents take regular vacations without children.
Developing healthy family habits can be challenging with the distractions of work, school, and community responsibilities. If your family unit is unhealthy, out of balance, or physically/mentally abusive, counseling can help. Call or email to schedule an individual or family therapy session today.
Dating relationships can bring complex dynamics: Both parties have family and friends involved in their life who care about their well-being. But things can get tricky when that extends into romantic relationships. Should you ask your friends if they like your romantic partner? Should you listen to what they say? What are the pros and cons […]
Dating relationships can bring complex dynamics: Both parties have family and friends involved in their life who care about their well-being. But things can get tricky when that extends into romantic relationships. Should you ask your friends if they like your romantic partner? Should you listen to what they say? What are the pros and cons of getting feedback about your relationships? Here are things to consider when talking to other people about a romantic partner:
When should you ask for feedback?
Asking for feedback from others about your relationship may be helpful if you have a history of making poor choices when it comes to romantic partners. If you find it difficult to trust your own judgment, reaching out for objective, honest feedback from someone you trust can help you gain clarity.
When should you not ask for feedback?
You may want to avoid asking for feedback if it requires that you divulge personal or intimate details about your partner. The last thing you want to do is embarrass your partner or cause them to feel betrayed in any way. For advice about sensitive issues, you may be better off seeking the objective opinion of a couples therapist.
When should you listen to feedback?
If several of your loved ones voice similar concerns, you may want to take heed. Ultimately, your decision is yours and yours alone, however, you may avoid unnecessary heartache by taking their views of your relationship into consideration.
When should you not listen to feedback?
Consider the source. If the source is angry and bitter and just doesn’t want to see you happy, you may need to take their advice with a grain of salt. If the source places extreme importance on superficial matters such as someone’s looks or chosen profession, they may not be capable of you giving you the kind of advice you need.
Dating relationships can be stressful and complex. Sometimes, receiving advice from loved ones can be extremely helpful; other times it can be detrimental. If you need help deciding when and when not to welcome the advice of others, schedule an individual or couples therapy appointment today.
There’s no shortage of controversial issues in our world. Politics, religion, social issues, and even personal tastes in music and art can cause conflict in our interactions with others. But what happens when you disagree about certain topics with a romantic partner, family member, or close friend? Can you maintain your views without sabotaging your […]
There’s no shortage of controversial issues in our world. Politics, religion, social issues, and even personal tastes in music and art can cause conflict in our interactions with others. But what happens when you disagree about certain topics with a romantic partner, family member, or close friend? Can you maintain your views without sabotaging your relationship? Yes! Here are 5 strategies to disagreeing on certain issues while still maintaining a strong connection with your loved one:
Is It Worth It?
Before engaging in a (heated) debate, ask yourself if the discussion is valuable enough to have. If you feel strongly about a particular subject, then maybe it is worth it to express yourself and make sure you are heard. But if it’s a topic that doesn’t resonate personally or is otherwise irrelevant, it’s probably not a good idea to risk putting a strain on your relationship. A common saying is that, “you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.” Additionally, be conscious of your environment. A workplace or family gathering is not the place to have a heated debate. If you feel you must discuss something controversial, make sure you have a private setting in which to do so.
Practice Respect
If you do decide to freely discuss something about which you disagree, respect is crucial. Always, always avoiding name-calling and yelling. No argument is worth that. Being respectful with your words and body language can not only preserve your relationship, but can also facilitate the conversation and make it more productive. The famous actress/ comedian Amy Poehler has said, “If you can speak about what you care about to someone you disagree with, you just may be heard.”
Find Common Ground
Take a moment to find things you do agree upon. For example, perhaps you are discussing a current health issue. It’s a good idea to acknowledge not only your differing opinions, but also to state that you both want a solution that will benefit society. Finding common ground can help you relate to one another. You don’t necessarily have to surrender your viewpoint, but try to reach some level of consensus.
Check Your Pride
It’s not uncommon for conversations about controversial subjects to devolve into power-struggles. Make sure you are expressing your beliefs instead of exercising your pride. Avoid engaging in debate simply to satisfy your ego, as this can lead to things escalating out of control. Don’t allow your desire to be right become more important than your relationship.
Take a Break
Discussions about hot topics have a way of dragging on forever. Those involved often go around in circles, and at some point, the conversation is no longer productive. If you find yourself hearing or repeating the same arguments, or if things become too heated, take a break. Better yet, end the conversation altogether! While you don’t necessarily need to avoid disagreement altogether, you have to know when to stop.
Disagreeing on tough issues can be done in a loving, productive way. Not every debate needs to end with one person converting to the other’s point of view; and that’s okay (especially in relationships)! By using respectful language, keeping your pride and emotions in check, and stopping if things get too intense, you can successfully agree to disagree. If you struggle with communication or feel that you are often misunderstood, counseling can help. Call or email to schedule an appointment today.
