Children of divorce have many divorce-related concerns. Below is a list of typical concerns and some appropriate and inappropriate ways to respond to them: 1. Why are you and Dad (Mom) getting a divorce? Many children wonder why their parents are getting a divorce. Children are more likely to ask this question when they […]
Children of divorce have many divorce-related concerns. Below is a list of typical concerns and some appropriate and inappropriate ways to respond to them:
1. Why are you and Dad (Mom) getting a divorce?
Many children wonder why their parents are getting a divorce. Children are more likely to ask this question when they haven’t been given an adequate explanation about the divorce. It is important that children receive an honest response about the divorce from both parents. A parent may withhold information because they feel that “the child cannot handle it.” However, this response is often an excuse for parents who may feel uncomfortable discussing the divorce with their child(ren). Children are better equipped to handle such situations than parents think and often imagine that things are worse without it. Children need to be told preferably by both parents about the divorce. This gives the child(ren) an opportunity to ask questions. A parent might say, “Mom and Dad don’t love each other but each of us loves you.” Ideally, this should be said to the child(ren) before the parents separate so the child can adjust to the loss before it occurs. Parents should share the basic reason for the divorce (e.g. “we can’t get along”) and be truthful with the child(ren).
2. Will I ever see Dad (Mom) again?
Many children wonder if they will see their Dad (Mom) again. This question is likely to arise when the child is given no explanation about visitation or further contact with the other parent. Children who ask this question often feel abandoned and wonder if the departing parent loved them. Ideally, the child should be told where Mom or Dad is living and how often they will see the other parent. However, in cases where there is no contact with the other parent, the parent with whom the child(ren) are residing should be honest and reassure the child(ren) that she/he loves him/her and that Dad (Mom) is having problems or otherwise she/he would be here. It is important for the child(ren) to understand there is nothing wrong with him/her and that he/she did not cause the divorce.
3. Does Dad (Mom) love someone else?
Parents often wonder how to deal with questions about an extra-marital affair. This issue is a difficult one that requires a great deal of sensitivity. If a parent is getting a divorce to marry another person the children can be told that Dad (Mom) doesn’t love Mom (Dad) anymore and wants to live with another woman (man). Caution should be exercised in a delicate and honest manner to avoid alienating the child(ren)against the other parent. Alienating the children against each parent is harmful to the child(ren). When marriage is not imminent but is central to the divorce, children do better if they are told the circumstances. Parents should be truthful even though it may be painful and embarrassing. When the child learns about parental difficulties and mistakes, they will be less likely to make those mistakes themselves.
4. Why don’t you love Dad (Mom) anymore?
It is not uncommon for children to wonder why their Mom or Dad no longer love each other. Often, children will blame the parent who is initiating the divorce and view the other as a victim. This reaction is particularly true when the parent who does not want the divorce tells the child(ren) that the divorce is the other parent’s fault. In this case, the initiating parent preferably is difficult, children need to understand both sides and what contributed to the decision to divorce. It is important to note that some loss of respect for the initiating spouse is preferable to endless distortion and hostility between parents.
5. What will happen to us?
As a result of divorce, children will often have many questions about their welfare. Where will they go? Will we have enough money? Where will I go to school? Will we have enough to eat? Children who ask questions often have heard parents discuss these issues with each other or someone else. It is critical for parents to be honest with their child(ren) and indicate that while there may not be as much money, they will have enough to eat and a place to live.
6. What should I tell my friends?
Many parents are ashamed about their divorce and are reluctant to share it with others. However, if divorced parents handle their divorce in this way, their child(ren) will deal with it the same way. Thus, if parents don’t want their child(ren) to be ashamed they must not be ashamed themselves. Parents should encourage their children to discuss divorce and tell their friends about the situation.
In some cases, peer concerns may alarm children and cause them to worry even more. Once again parents should reassure their child(ren) that things will be okay. Parents should also encourage their child(ren) to be honest with others about divorce.
7. I don’t want my friends over.
Children often experience sadness at the time of the divorce. This reaction is often manifested in apathy and diminished interest in school work and being with friends. Such a reaction may be due to the absence of the departed parent. These feelings should subside in a few weeks provided the child(ren) has regular contact with the absent parent and the parent with whom the children resides is not depressed him/herself. Regardless, parents are advised to encourage their child(ren) to talk about the reactions to the divorce and emphasize the need to express their feelings. Parents can facilitate this openness by sharing their own feelings.
8. Why can’t I do anything right?
Children often become angry at the time of divorce. They have difficulty with anger and expressing these feelings. This response is particularly true for children of divorce who may be afraid of expressing anger to the departed parent for fear of losing contact with him/her or to the parent with whom the child(ren) resides lest she/he will leave also. Thus, children will often direct their anger at themselves saying things such as “I can’t do anything right” or “I’m no good.” While anger directed against themselves is safer, it is really anger directed against the parents. Parents should encourage children to direct their anger appropriately and help them identify the source of their anger. This task may be difficult since parents may be feeling guilty about the divorce and the effects it has had on the child(ren). Nevertheless, self-directed anger is harmful and often contributes to depression and low self-esteem.
9. She/he doesn’t love me.
It is not uncommon for a child to feel that the departing parent doesn’t love the child(ren), otherwise he/she wouldn’t have left. A child may reason since Dad (Mom) left “there must be something wrong with me” or “she/he doesn’t love me.” When children feel that a parent doesn’t love them, they worry whether the other parent doesn’t love them or whether anyone loves them. It is critical once again, for the parent to let the child know that even though Mom or Dad no longer love each other they still love him/her.
10. If you don’t come home, I’ll never speak to you again.
Some children make vibrant attempts to reunite their parents. Children may do this in a variety of ways. One of the most common ways is to threaten the parent. For example, a child might say, “ If you don’t come home, I’ll never speak to you again” or I’ll run away if you don’t come home.” The purpose of these statements is to make the parent feel guilty so that she/he will return home. In other cases, children will act out (e.g., exhibit temper outbursts, fighting with peers, noncompliance with parent and teacher) at home or school to attract the departing parent’s attention. Children believe that if they act bad enough their Dad (Mom) will come home.
Some children may be more creative and design ways to bring their parents together. For example, a child may ask to have a birthday party and invite both parents or make reservations for both parents at a restaurant. The child believes in this case that if the parents are physically together they can live together again.
There are several things that parents can do to help children become less preoccupied with reconciliation. First, parents can try to find ways to reduce their hostility towards each other. Children believe that parents are still involved when they continue to argue with each other after the divorce. On the other hand, when parents resolved their differences, children are less likely to see the need for parents to be back together. Secondly, parents can develop a cooperative, co-parenting relationship without becoming overly friendly. Parents who are too friendly with each other may stimulate images of reconciliation in children. This belief appears to be more likely when parents have frequent contact with each other which is not associated with visiting the child(ren). If children see their parents getting along, they believe that their parents can still live together. It is not uncommon for the parent with whom the child(ren) resides to call the other parent to discuss trivial matters or something the child did that day. Children thus believe that if they maintain their parents’ interest in them the parents will have more contact with each other and can be reunited.
11. I don’t want to come over today.
Children’s interests vary as they get older. This change is more difficult for the parent not living with the child(ren) to accept. Because the child has other plans (activities), the parent may feel that the child doesn’t want to see him/her. Even though the parent may be hurt, it is important to recognize that as the child gets older she/he will want to spend time with his/her friends. Instead of getting upset, it is important to schedule a meeting time that is convenient for both the parent and child(ren). When this isn’t possible, it is important to call the child(ren) on the telephone or write them a note. It is also important to ask the child(ren) to do the same. However, it is important for the parent to be aware that the telephone is no substitute for seeing the children. Frequent short visits are preferable to infrequent long visits or no visitation. By contacting the child(ren) regularly, the parent will be able to recognize their changing needs and strengths.
12. Will my plans be changed?
This question is often asked by adolescents. Adolescents often want to know whether there will be enough money for college. Will I be able to get a car? Will I have enough money for new clothes? Will I have to get a job? Do I have to baby-sit my brother (sister)? Adolescents tend to be more self-centered and want to know how the divorce will directly affect them. Parents should encourage adolescents to ask questions, and give them honest and clear answers (e.g., You will be able to go to college, but you may need to help by working during the summer to pay your tuition.”) Parents should be honest in their explanation of the problem (e.g., I need a car to get to work) but at the same time help the adolescent to find ways to solve the problem (“What are some other ways that you could get to work?”). Helping adolescents to find solutions to their problems will help them become more responsible and independent- important characteristics of personal adjustment.
If you are a parent struggling to navigate the complex aftermath of divorce, child and/or family counseling may help. Call or email to schedule an appointment today.
Be Well,
Alicia
What’s Happening Attachment is a deep, lasting bond that develops between a caregiver and child during the baby’s first few years of life. This attachment is crucial to the growth of the baby’s body and mind. Babies who have this bond and feel loved have a better chance to grow up to be adults who […]
Attachment is a deep, lasting bond that develops between a caregiver and child during the baby’s first few years of life. This attachment is crucial to the growth of the baby’s body and mind. Babies who have this bond and feel loved have a better chance to grow up to be adults who trust others and know how to return the affection.
Most babies:
No one knows your child as well as you do, so you’re in the best position to recognize and fulfill your child’s needs. Parents who give lots of loving care and attention to their babies help their babies develop a strong attachment. Affection stimulates your child to grow, learn, connect with others, and enjoy life.
Here are some ways to promote bonding:
If you have concerns about your ability to bond with your baby or small child or fear that your child has not developed a healthy attachment to its primary caregiver, child or family counseling may help. Feel free to call our office to schedule an appointment today.
Be Well,
Alicia
Raising kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world – and the one for which you might feel the least prepared. Here are nine child-rearing tips that can help you feel more fulfilled as a parent. 1 – Boosting Your Child’s Self-Esteem Kids start developing their sense of self […]
Raising kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world – and the one for which you might feel the least prepared.
Here are nine child-rearing tips that can help you feel more fulfilled as a parent.
1 – Boosting Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Kids start developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through their parents’ eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every expression are absorbed by your kids. Your words and actions as a parent affect their developing self-esteem more than anything else.
Praising accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting kids do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing a child unfavorably with another will make kids feel worthless.
Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons. Comments like “What a stupid thing to do!” or “You act more like a baby than your little brother!” cause damage just as physical blows do.
Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them, even when you don’t love their behavior.
2 – Catch Kids Being Good
Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your kids on a given day? You may find yourself criticizing far more often than complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even if it was well-intentioned?
The more effective approach is to catch kids doing something right: “You made your bed without being asked – that’s terrific!” or “I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient.” These statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scoldings.
Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards – your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find you are “growing” more of the behavior you would like to see.
3 – Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your Discipline
Discipline is necessary for every household. The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.
Establishing house rules helps kids understand your expectations and develop self-control. Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing allowed.
You might want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a “time out” or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is’failure to follow through with the consequences. You can’t discipline kids for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.
4 – Make Time for Your Kids
It’s often difficult for parents and kids to get together for a family meal, let alone spend quality time together. But there is probably nothing kids would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Kids who aren’t getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they’re sure to be noticed that way.
Many parents find it rewarding to schedule together time with their kids. Create a “special night” each week to be together and let your kids help decide how to spend the time. Look for other ways to connect – put a note or something special in your kid’s lunchbox.
Adolescents seem to need less undivided attention from their parents than younger kids. Because there are fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teens to get together, parents should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other events with your teen communicates caring and lets you get to know more about your child and his or her friends in important ways.
Don’t feel guilty if you’re a working parent. It is the many little things you do – making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping – that kids will remember.
5 – Be a Good Role Model
Young kids learn a lot about how to act by watching their parents. The younger they are, the more cues they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think about this: Is that how you want your child to behave when angry? Be aware that you’re constantly being watched by your kids. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home.
Model the traits you wish to see in your kids: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward. Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your kids the way you expect other people to treat you.
6 – Make Communication a Priority
You can’t expect kids to do everything simply because you, as a parent, “say so.” They want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we don’t take time to explain, kids will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with their kids allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way.
Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your child to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your child’s suggestions as well. Negotiate. Kids who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.
7 – Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust Your Parenting Style
If you often feel “let down” by your child’s behavior, perhaps you have unrealistic expectations. Parents who think in “shoulds” (for example, “My kid should be potty-trained by now”) might find it helpful to read up on the matter or to talk to other parents or child development specialists.
Kids’ environments have an effect on their behavior, so you might be able to change that behavior by changing the environment. If you find yourself constantly saying “no” to your 2-year-old, look for ways to alter your surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits. This will cause less frustration for both of you.
As your child changes, you’ll gradually have to change your parenting style. Chances are, what works with your child now won’t work as well in a year or two.
Teens tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!
8 – Show That Your Love Is Unconditional
As a parent, you’re responsible for correcting and guiding your kids. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how a child receives it.
When you have to confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining your kids. Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.
9 – Know Your Own Needs and Limitations as a Parent
Face it – you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities – “I am loving and dedicated.” Vow to work on your weaknesses – “I need to be more consistent with discipline.” Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your kids. You don’t have to have all the answers – be forgiving of yourself.
And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you’re burned out. Take time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a person (or as a couple).
Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.
Everyone has some level of stress, whether it’s a bad day at work, a flat tire, or unexpected bill in the mail. However, too much stress can make it difficult to parent effectively. After a while, your child or teenager may show signs of being stressed out, too! Some signs that you are stressed include: […]
If you find yourself still struggling to manage stress, despite your best efforts, don’t hesitate to reach out for extra support. If you feel your high stress level is impacting your ability to parent effectively, request a family therapy appointment here.
Be Well & Stay Safe,
Alicia
Everyone is familiar with the devastating situations in which children have killed other children as an expression of their extreme anger with being treated badly and being humiliated. While it is imperative that bullies and cruel social behaviors be dealt with, it is also important that children be taught how to appropriately express feelings of […]
Everyone is familiar with the devastating situations in which children have killed other children as an expression of their extreme anger with being treated badly and being humiliated. While it is imperative that bullies and cruel social behaviors be dealt with, it is also important that children be taught how to appropriately express feelings of anger. Learning how to effectively problem-solve and deal with difficult emotions is a preventive measure for positive mental health and preventing violent behavior. Young people turn to violence when they don’t see other ways of managing difficult situations. They may be reacting to the moment without anticipating the consequences of their actions. The following tips can help a child to learn internal management , use of resources, and self-responsibility.
If you do not feel that your efforts are successful, talk to a professional about community resources (such as anger management classes) and therapy or click here for more information.
Be Well,
A. Claybon
When an event or situation causes anxiety and tension in a child, he or she tries to understand what is happening and why it is happening. The less a child is able to understand the situation, the more tension, anxiety, and fear they will experience. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and […]
When an event or situation causes anxiety and tension in a child, he or she tries to understand what is happening and why it is happening. The less a child is able to understand the situation, the more tension, anxiety, and fear they will experience. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and helpless. Depending on the circumstance, there may also be feelings of shame, depression, and guilt. A child may be unable to verbally express their fears or may be afraid to express them. When preparing yourself to help a child deal with life-changing events, it is helpful to consider the following:
Because life has a normal level of stress and changes, it’s impossible to hide from children from all the problems that confront a family. Children are very sensitive and can feel when things aren’t right at home. Therefore, instead of allowing a child to interpret what is going on it is better to give them age-appropriate information in a manner that helps them maintain their feelings of safety and security. The best thing you can do for a child in crisis is to create a safe space for them to process difficult emotions. If you find it especially challenging to help your child effectively navigate through life’s tough times, consider seeking the help of a licensed counselor or therapist. Click here for more information.
Be Well,
A. Claybon