When an event or situation causes anxiety and tension in a child,  he or she tries to understand what is happening and why it is happening. The less a child is able to understand the situation, the more tension, anxiety, and fear they will experience. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed, out of control, and helpless. Depending on the circumstance, there may also be feelings of shame, depression, and guilt. A child may be unable to verbally express their fears or may be afraid to express them. When preparing yourself to help a child deal with life-changing events, it is helpful to consider the following:

1. Children tend to be self-centered. This is especially true of young children and adolescents. They seem to interpret things as if the world revolves around them-everything is taken personally. Because of this they may interpret themselves as being the cause of something that they have no power or control of, which can be overwhelming.
2. Children tend to interpret things in a literal or concrete manner. This can cause a crisis via misunderstanding. For example, telling a child that death is like sleep, or having medical or dental procedure won’t hurt because they will be knocked out. What the parent means and how the child interprets such statements are likely to be different.
3. Fantasy is reality for children. For example, one parent is seeking divorce and the child fears that they will also be abandoned or divorced by this parent. Sometimes a child experiences a form of fantasy and magical thinking, which means that a child has a belief that they had the power to make something happen by thinking about it. An example of this is when a child is angry and thinks or says, “I wish you were dead” and someone is harmed in some way. They may believe that harm came to the person because of their thoughts or wishes.
4. The devastating effect of childhood loss or separation. When a child loses or is separated from a friend, pet, parent, loved one, etc their foundation is temporarily shattered. Losses are a threat to feeling safe and secure. Losses can involve feelings such as sadness, depression, loneliness, rejection, abandonment, anger, guilt, and confusion.

Because life has a normal level of stress and changes, it’s impossible to hide from children from all the problems that confront a family. Children are very sensitive and can feel when things aren’t right at home. Therefore, instead of allowing a child to interpret what is going on it is better to give them age-appropriate information in a manner that helps them maintain their feelings of safety and security. The best thing you can do for a child in crisis is to create a safe space for them to process difficult emotions. If you find it especially challenging to help your child effectively navigate through life’s tough times, consider seeking the help of a licensed counselor or therapist.  Click here for more information.

Be Well,

A. Claybon 

Everyone is familiar with the devastating situations in which children have killed other children as an expression of their extreme anger with being treated badly and being humiliated. While it is imperative that bullies and cruel social behaviors be dealt with, it is also important that children be taught how to appropriately express feelings of anger. Learning how to effectively problem-solve and deal with difficult emotions is a preventive measure for positive mental health and preventing violent behavior. Young people turn to violence when they don’t see other ways of managing difficult situations. They may be reacting to the moment without anticipating the consequences of their actions.  The following tips can help a child to learn internal management , use of resources, and self-responsibility.

1. Be a good listener. Pay attention to what your children are saying about what they feel and how they are thinking about things in their life. Unfortunately, children are confronted at an earlier age about more adult-oriented issues such as relationships , sex, and romanticizing. Failure and rejection are also difficult issues to deal with. Young people are not prepared mentally or physically to effectively manage many of these issues and can find themselves overwhelmed and in trouble.
2. Be comforting and reassuring. Tell your children that you care about what they think and feel. Show confidence in them by helping them to explore their choices for managing the issues confronting them.
3. Normalize the experience of anger. Everyone gets angry. Share the positive ways that you have found to deal with anger and other difficult emotions.
4. Encourage children to express their feeling honestly and appropriately and then to move on to fun and interesting activities . Distracting oneself with other activities helps to refocus on other things and not get stuck and miserable with anger.
5. Teach problem–solving and conflict resolution skills. Give your children some ideas about how to deal with difficult situations and encourage them to talk about what they try to do in those situations, what works, what doesn’t, and what they may do next time they are confronted with a similar situation.
6. Catch them being good. It is always important to reinforce good behavior by acknowledging i When your children deal with their anger in positive ways, reinforce their positive choices. Use every opportunity to build and reinforce strengths and skills.

If you do not feel that your efforts are successful, talk to a professional about community resources (such as anger management classes) and therapy or click here for more information.

Be Well,

A. Claybon